For many, many years my HOPES and DREAMS diminished with each passing moment as my eating disorder took control of my life. However, I didn't mind as I was too sick to care. My hopes were to pass and for life to pass me by. I have wished this for almost 10 years now, to be non-existent. For death if I were to be totally honest. I know this sounds blunt and scares most people, but it's/was how I felt. Things have changed over the years, I don't wish for the angles to take me with them, but I instead wish for happiness. Happiness, so foreign to me. HAPPINESS, true happiness would be like a vacation from life. To be loved and to love is all I seem to wish for lately. Is this even possible? I don't know, but I know I'm so very lonely and want friendship and need support so very much. But, as I search I find only unhappiness at every turn. Am I trying to find something unattainable?
Last night my dreams were horrifying. I dreamed of a girl so sick from her eating disorder that her hair was falling out in clumps. A girl so sick that her teeth were falling out. I woke up from the nightmare terrified, terrified that I've stayed with ED for so long. That this nightmare is what I used to wish for in reality and even worse my hopes for death. Was this a sign? When I fully awoke, I was scared, as I feel myself slipping deeply into depression, always sad, always crying again.
I called my friend Erin and she was able to help me work through my feelings this morning. I hope with support from my friends and family that I can pull myself out of the nightmares and back into the dreams and hopes of happiness.
Episode 28: Chicago
1 month ago