Me, Myself and I

"Here" was a place I would come in the hopes of helping others.
"Here" was a place to vent about the troubles I was facing.
"Here" was a place to receive support when I needed it most.

So, with a NEW YEAR upon us...
I'm going to use this as a sounding board again...
to help myself and maybe you too!

CHANGES CHANGES CHANGES

15 months ago I admitted myself into an Eating Disorder program in downtown Chicago, I had had enough.
It was HARD WORK to do what was required of me for recovery.
It was PAINFUL to talk about things that I'd buried away.
It was EXCRUCIATING to gain weight and well not feel fat.
But, I got through it and have been working hard everyday to stay on the recovery path.

During most of my 11 year battle with ED I've lived with a friend, who supported me every step of the way as best as he knew how (even though I was a huge pain in the ass). However, these past several months I've started to feel secure enough in my recovery to move out on my own again. I started a new job in October and wanted to move closer to my new work location. In doing so I would gain 3-5 hours of my life back, which I could use to further myself in my recovery.

So, here I am in my new apartment (1.1 miles from my new job) and so LONELY.
I miss my roommate and my friends.
I LOVE my apartment, it was fun to decorate and make my own.
I LOVE the area of Woodridge and being in a town that has so much to offer.
I LOVE my commute.

But, but, but...

I NEED my people, my friends.
I NEED time to discover myself again.
I NEED support, I can't do this alone.

ED can be very convincing when your all alone...

But, let me tell you that no matter how enticing and alluring he can be...
I KNOW HE'S TROUBLE.

I WILL NOT GO BACK THERE.
I WILL NOT LISTEN.

I AM STRONG (I think).

Dreams

For many, many years my HOPES and DREAMS diminished with each passing moment as my eating disorder took control of my life. However, I didn't mind as I was too sick to care. My hopes were to pass and for life to pass me by. I have wished this for almost 10 years now, to be non-existent. For death if I were to be totally honest. I know this sounds blunt and scares most people, but it's/was how I felt. Things have changed over the years, I don't wish for the angles to take me with them, but I instead wish for happiness. Happiness, so foreign to me. HAPPINESS, true happiness would be like a vacation from life. To be loved and to love is all I seem to wish for lately. Is this even possible? I don't know, but I know I'm so very lonely and want friendship and need support so very much. But, as I search I find only unhappiness at every turn. Am I trying to find something unattainable?

Last night my dreams were horrifying. I dreamed of a girl so sick from her eating disorder that her hair was falling out in clumps. A girl so sick that her teeth were falling out. I woke up from the nightmare terrified, terrified that I've stayed with ED for so long. That this nightmare is what I used to wish for in reality and even worse my hopes for death. Was this a sign? When I fully awoke, I was scared, as I feel myself slipping deeply into depression, always sad, always crying again.

I called my friend Erin and she was able to help me work through my feelings this morning. I hope with support from my friends and family that I can pull myself out of the nightmares and back into the dreams and hopes of happiness.

Nothing and Everything

Nothing yet everything has happened since my last post...
I spent two months in an eating disorder program in downtown Chicago.
It was extremely hard, but very worth it in the end.
I still have difficult days with my weight and eating, but overall it's gotten a lot easier.
The number on the scale is still important, but it doesn't turn my whole world upside down like it once had.
I still have an unrealistic ideal of what I want to weigh, however I now know it's unrealistic and unhealthy.
Mentally, I feel so much better and with that comes the self-confidence I never knew I had.
I'm so much happier and have a better outlook on life in general.
So much so that I'm trying the dating scene again after 10 years.
With Ed in my life I was unable to date anyone but him.
Now, that he's packed his bags and is moving on so can I.
It's exciting and scary all at the same time, but I'm loving it all.

Getting by or Finally Living

It's been awhile since my last post and so much has happened and then again nothing at all...

The job that I have been at for almost 14 years moved locations to downtown Chicago. It was once a half hour drive and is now a 5 hour a day commute. It was hard at first, but after 5 months has now become a little easier. New people, new surroundings, new everything really has taken alot of courage for me. A couple of things have been for the better...meeting new people has brought me out of my shell (a little) and being downtown had made me rely on myself a little more. I met a guy, who became my boyfriend :) and that hasn't happened in oh let's see eight years since my divorce. It was amazing and scary all at once, but in the end he broke up with me. He couldn't handle my eating disorder and just wanted to be friends :( To see me work on myself and learn to like myself more. I haven't like myself in so long and now I'm lonely on top of it! Well that sent me spinning as if I didn't have enough troubles already. However, with that came the need for change (in myself). I was depressed and crying all the time all over again and on top of it I felt like I lost my new best friend. If what he said was true, that he'd stand by me and be my friend and see me through this then I was going to get some help. After some research I found a place in downtown Chicago specializing in Eating Disorders. I called to find out more and believe it or not liked what I heard. Strangely enough I went to an assessment, listened to what they had to offer and proceeded to do what had to be done to go there. I am now less than a week away from starting and AM TERRIFIED!!! Here is a little about the program: They offer residential living for those who do not live in the area (which is where I will be staying while I attend the groups and therapy). I can work full time while I attend the night groups and special appointments all while I live in the city close to work. Sounds good right??? I am deathly afraid of the change and what I will have to do in recovery, but I'm more afraid to stay the way I am and be alone with ED forever. So I am taking a leap of faith (for me) for once in my life.

WISH ME LUCK :)

The Sparkly Hero

Savannah was having a particularly rough day and decided to go for a walk to clear her head. Taking a stroll through the forest was the perfect thing to do in these kinds of situations for the fresh air and beauty always took her mind off her worries. Along the path she came upon a very curious cat. She acknowledged the cat by giving him a quick pet and thought nothing more of the furry fellow. She was enveloped in the beauty of her surroundings and hadn’t noticed that the cat was following her until she bent down to smell some beautiful flowers. As she bowed her head she came nose to nose with the purest of white cats, again. She gazed into his blue, blue eyes and wondered what he could possibly want. So she pondered a moment and decided against all the crazy thoughts racing in her head to ask him. She started something like this, “hello little friend what strange forces bring you to me this fine day”? The cat stared back and Savannah started to laugh, which startled the cat a bit. He sat on the soft grass, opened his mouth and began to speak to her, or so she thought he was speaking to her. She scrunched her eyes shut, blinked a few times wondering if he was still there and if she really heard this cat speak to her. She opened one eye first, then the other and swallowed hard as he was rambling on of how he had been searching for her. She glanced around feeling silly, realizing no one was around to witness this strange interaction, she decided to sit and listen to this strange and very wise cat tell of his journey to find her. He proceeded to tell her that she had been granted a wish to receive special powers and he wanted to know what she wished for. Was it the super hero powers of flight and strength that I wanted or something more “Sparkly” he asked? What a Sparkly hero was, she had no idea, but she could not inquire she just had to choose. Gosh, what to do she thought, well she had always wanted to be “sparkly”, special so she chose this one not knowing what powers she would receive. He whipped his tail round and round with a flash of light and suddenly pink dust enveloped her. She was scared to death, but held her breath until the transformation was complete. She longed to be a beautiful, strong and confident woman. Being a super hero was sure to lift her spirits on this particular day that’s for sure. When the last flashes of light disappeared and the dust fell, strangely the cat was gone. Poof, like a ghost or figment of her imagination he vanished. Had this happened at all she wandered. Savannah finished her walk and headed home, she couldn’t wait to look in the mirror and check herself out. She opened the door to her flat, raced to her bedroom and stood in front of the full length mirror that occupied the far corner of her bedroom. Sadly she looked the same, so she decided to curl up in bed to ponder what her super power – hero status “thing” was that was bestowed upon her. Thankfully as her mind raced with questions, her eyes grew sleepy and soon she fell into a deep sleep. When she awoke after a very long and restful nights sleep she realized what her super hero powers were. They were to realize who she always had been and who she’d forgotten herself to be long ago.

I am “Sparkly Savannah” with the confidence of a born leader, the courage of a true fighter and the knowledge of better things yet to come. She was born the power of realization and awoke to her true self.

The Moral of this story is that you don’t need talking cats, flashing lights and pretty pink dust to believe that you posses super-hero powers. You already own them; you just have to believe that you deserve them.

Why

Why do I try so hard yet get nowhere?
Why do I bother and get nothing in return?
Why do things bother me and fester inside when I have no control over them?
Why do people act as if they care, but so apparently don't?
Why do I care so much?

It's who I am, I care damn it!

I care about everything...big and small.
I care about everyone...important to me or not.
I care to the point that it hurts when I get nothing in return.

NO MORE!

I need to be my number one in life!
I need to let go of the trivial stuff and people that don't matter.

So that I can free my mind for the things and people that do matter.
Worrying if I'm liked or not is out of my control and I can't stand to wonder any longer.
Your either get me and like me or you don't.
END OF STORY!

Diet or DIE YET

It's been decided...
To lose those extra pounds (that I HATE) I bought Dexatrim Max diet pills.

I don't want to revert to using old habits to lose the weight, but to tell the truth I never took diet pills to lose weight before so this isn't necessarily reverting to old habits - now is it!
But something's got to be done and this is what I am willing to try, beats throwing up doesn't it?

Along with the NEW RULES...
No more:
English muffin with peanut butter and a Mountain Dew for lunch
INSTEAD
Slimfast

I'm also going to try lighter meals for dinner, maybe a yogurt or something. This may upset my roommate since he helps me daily to fight Ed, but he's just going to have to understand.

I want to be better than this
I KNOW that I am worth more than what I put into my body
BUT, there's always a but...but I don't know what else to do!

Should I trust him?

In the past (when I didn't even know I was sick), I thought I was fat.

Now, as I have become healthier and gained weight, I feel I have the right to complain about the same issue.

AM I always going to fight these feelings.

Most days I can tell him to "F***" off and think rationally about things. But, the more weight I gain the harder it is to fight off his comments.

I used to weight myself every two seconds, the scale controlled my life (I used to carry it with me in my backpack incase ED needed to know how much I weighed).
Now,not so much...I try to base things on how my clothes fit and how I feel
"NOT BY THE NUMBER ON THE SCALE".

But, it's hard to feel good about myself when I feel like my clothes are getting tight. I know everyone says I'm still small, but I'm starting to hear him (ED) more lately.

He thinks he can help me lose the weight...DO I TRUST HIM?

OK, I know I shouldn't trust anything he says and run in the other direction -- BUT CAN HE HELP ME LOSE THE POUNDS?

I can't seem to do it and I've been trying "the right way" for awhile now.

Please help me!

I guess, assignment

As you will hopefully read below, this was an assignment for counseling many years ago.
I LIKE IT,
not many of us hear good things about ourselves
or we don't allow ourselves to hear the good things said to us.
I'd like to try this again, with your help!
To see what you have to say about me.
How I've grown and changed since the sickness of the past nine years.

A couple years ago...
I found my way across the poppy fields.
Straight to the Emerald City to visit Oz,
and to get a huge dose of courage.
I have made a huge transformation and hope you have seen it too!

If you are a friend visiting my blog, please email and tell me and tell me who I am.
When I get your response:
I promise to shut Ed in the closet and really hear what you are saying to me.
It will feel amazing to realize who I am through your eyes
and to not always have Ed telling otherwise.

Thank you in advance if you are willing to do this for me. I love you!

I guess, if you say so...

I was cleaning the other day and found some old material/assignments from when I went to counseling. It was to ask friends and family what they thought of me since my perspective was impaired. Of course reading the comments then was like, "whatever" or "what are they thinking" that's not me. I never really saw me for me. Even now, it can be hard to see myself as how they described me. Some days are great and some days are not so great. I'm kinda having a not so great day. Nothing in particular, but I just feel a little down is all. So, I thought I'd dig out those papers again and let you know what others see in me as I'm having difficulty seeing myself as anything nice.

I don't know where to start...But, how about even before you were born...I had always wanted to be a mother...so when I was blessed with a beautiful baby girl, all of my dreams came true...And you continue to fulfill my dreams...with the beautiful and intelligent young woman that you are today...Don't ever sell yourself short...your talents and abilities are never ending...Let me see just where do I start...how about a content baby...you made it so easy for me to learn how to become a mom and your dad was ever so fascinated with your tiny fingers and toes...he was always looking at you...with great pride in his eyes...Everywhere we went with you...people would stop us just to look at you and to comment on what a beautiful baby we had...And as I remember people would offer to buy you...Not a chance...You were and still are our pride and joy
As you grew you were always so helpful...and when you became a big sister...you became an outstanding little mother. And that carried through into your babysitting career...you seemed to be the most sought out babysitter in Medford. Not only were you loved by the kids you cared for...but by their parents as well.
You are a fun loving person...i remember so many times you and I laughed until we cried...and the ability to make people happy and bringing them laughter is not a quality that comes easily to everyone...
Don't let me forget empathy for others...I don't think I will ever forget how you cared for my mother when she was dying of cancer...you and I made many trips to the cities and back...throughout grandma's illness, you were always willing to go with me and you were never afraid of what you might see. You combed grandma's hair...put make-up on her...did her nails, anything to make her feel better...and anything to let her know you loved her...Thank You...And you followed suit with great grandma Olson when she entered the nursing home...always combing her hair and wheeling her about the halls and making friends...what would I have done without you...Thank You Again...And not to mention your cat mittens who loved yo so much she had her kittens in your sleeping bag while you slept...now that shows intense Love and Trust...And the intense caring and love you showed to your dog Kibbles...I'm sure Kibbles is one of your guardian angles...
And not to mention best friend...Sandy you and I have shared many feelings and experiences together...and how special it is to have a bond with someone you know you can tell anything to...and know that person can be trusted with whatever feelings or secrets they have shared with one another.
You are an adventurer, conquering many great challenges...moving to California, so far away from home and to become a mother to four small children who had a mother of their own who didn't care about them. Those kids are better people today because of the impact you had on their young lives...You had to make a home with strangers...that's not an easy mission.
You are a survivor and that includes changes of all kinds. And you will grow - And you will endure because you are loved so much by others...and we all need you...Surviving your last car accident proves that you are a survivor.
God has a greater plan for you...and part of that plan is to continue to be the outstanding Aunt Sandy that you have become to Nicholas and Griffin...and Nicholas said it best "he is thankful for the love of his Aunt Sandy. I can't think of a higher tribute...what a special and important family member you are.
As you can see I could go on forever...and I still need to mention Ambitious...Reliable...hardworking...Dependable...Effecient...and Dedicated...But above all you are lovable - not because I'm your mother, but because they are true.
my mom

I guess, if you say so...

I thought last night of how easy this "assignment" would be, given the fact that you are my best friend and I love you a lot - but as I sit down to write to you I realized the "hard" part might be knowing when to stop listing your good qualities :):):) You mentioned that someone had told you that you had beautiful eyes and you didn't know if that truly counted as a good quality - but I'm sure that it does! SANDY YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL PERSON!!!!! ( Just wanted to make sure I had your undivided attention!) The average person would have no problem deciding that, you are attractive and pleasing to the eye (i.e. EYE CANDY) that much is just common sense - it doesn't take a brain surgeon to realize that!! Now while all of this is well and good and fine (not to mention a little easier when trying to attract the opposite sex) your outer beauty is not what I see first and foremost when I look at you!! Maybe that is what the person was referring to when she/he mentioned your eyes but when I look in your eyes I see so much more!! Here is what I see...............
I know a girl who is incredibly caring - always one to ask how everything is in my life, regardless of what's happening in her own!!
I know a girl who is sweet and loving -- always with open arms for a big 'ol hug and kiss for her best friend!!
I know a girl who is fun and energetic -- who everyone always enjoys being with and spending time with!!
I know a girl who is considerate -- who is genuinely concerned with others feelings and desires!!
I know a girl who is giving -- not only of material things but also of herself and of her time, which is something that can be scarce!!
I know a girl who is trustworthy -- which I've personally learned over the years can be worth it's weight in gold!!
I know a girl who is hard working - who can be found working 12-15 hour days to complete an assignment or task!!
I know a girl who is determined -- who can get what she wants when she wants it (without using the whiney voice)!!
I know a girl full of strength -- even though she may have only just broken the tip of the iceberg with this one, she'll soon come to fully understand her own!!
I know a girl who is incredibly courageous -- who has expressed more (for #1) in the past six months than most in a lifetime!!
I know a girl who is ALL of these things and so much more. A girl who when she looks inside needs to see the same beautiful person the rest of the world sees on the outside, but also needs to see the same beautiful person that those really close to her see!!! I love you with all of my heart, I'd do anything for you because I know you'd do it right back for me if I needed it! Consider yourself the "Onion" ((no not the most beautiful of fruits mind you, but yummy just the same(at least those of us with taste)). and as you peel away the layers of yourself you will begin to see what the rest of already know!!! YOU ARE GOOD!!!! YOU ARE WORTHY (even more than most) of love, long lasting real love!!!!!!! SO START BY LOVING YOURSELF! MAYBE, JUST MAYBE YOU'LL SEE WHAT THE REST OF US HAVE FOR SO LONG AND YOU TOO WILL FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU!!
I love you and respect you for your newly founded courage and strength
Robyn, best friend

I guess, if you say...

Caring-would do anything for anyone at any time.
Forgiving-easily accepts others for mistakes they have made.
Trustworthy-can be trusted with anything and her word will be kept.
Thoughtful-thinks as much of other people as she does herself.
Understanding-doesn't pre-judge people in situations that aren't traditional or usual.
Family oriented-holds family relationships in the highest regards.
Snuggly-there isn't a better person to snuggle with in the whole world.
Christian, ex-husband

I guess, if you say so...

I wish you could see yourself through the eyes of others. I really believe that you would be amazed at the woman the rest of us can see. I will try to explain the individual I see.
You are courageous. You have taken some major steps in the past year. All of these required the strength of courage. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, you are courageous (i.e., separation, new apartment, seeking help)
You are one of the most thoughtful people I know.
You are a good listener.
You are cooperative.
You have empathy.
You love butterflies. Always remember that "butterflies are free". Think of yourself as coming out of the cocoon and believe that you are a beautiful butterfly who is learning to be free.
You are pretty, sweet, thin, lovable. You care. You are you and that alone makes you special and unique.
I believe in you and trust that you will learn to believe in you too!
Mary

I guess, if you say so...

Humor - I appreciate not only being able to laugh and joke around with you, but also the way you are able to laugh at yourself and act goofy.
Reliability - You can be counted on to see things through even when at times I know you don't want to.
Compassion - You have a genuine concern for others.
Emotions - I love the fact that we have been able to share each others emotions
Honesty - Always being able to count on what you say and do.
Personality - You have a way of lighting up a room even when you are quiet, people just seem to notice you.
THIS NEXT ONE I KNOW YOU ARE GOING TO SAY I'M NUTS AND DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M TAKING ABOUT, BUT YOU ARE WRONG.
Looks - You are very attractive and cute and some what shy which adds to your cuteness.
It's very hard for me to sit and break Sandy into different categories because she so a total package and everybody has different traits and qualities. The difference is how each person impacts others lives. I feel Sandy has made a positive impact on my life. She helps me see things in a different light and gives me encouragement without even knowing she is helping me. Special friends are far and few between and I feel Sandy is that special friend to me. Sandy, a while ago when things looked real bad I asked you for a favor: Start everyday by looking in the mirror and smiling at yourself. I asked you to do this because I want you to see what I see, not only the reflection, but what's on the inside that makes that reflection possible.
Jon

I guess, if you say so...

You are trusting. You open up to alot of people, with wide-eyed innocence
You are loving. There isn't any question that there is a great deal of love involved with anyone you meet
You are loyal to anyone who has proven their worth. You will defend them no matter who you are up against.
You are thoughtful and generous beyond your financial capabilities.
You have a good caring heart.
You always give 110% of yourself.
You can show sympathy for someone who may not truly deserve the second chance.
You always go out of your way to make people feel comfortable.
You always have a listening ear for others and are the first one to think of something to cheer them up when they are down.
You give of yourself even when sometimes there isn't alot to give.
I've never known you to be selfish or cruel. You speak honestly, from your heart and with a gentle, thoughtful mind.
You are a good friend. You are sincere and honest with people fortunate enough to be considered your friend.
Donna, ex-mother in law

Emotions

*Before Ed I was a self-conscious and emotional kind of person-
but "stuff" more easily rolled off my shoulders*

*During Ed everything bothered me, BIG or small.
It lingered and smoldered into the great depression*

*Now, it doesn't roll right off, but it doesn't linger for months turning into a major life catastrophe either*

Everyday gets better, but I still tend to take everything very personally.

Today is a "fester" and "rot" feelings kind of day.

Today at work there happens to be a baby shower for a friend.
She is a close friend, and I wasn't asked to participate in the event.
It was huge and festive and I'm very happy for her, but I felt terribly left out.
For starters my boss hates me, I can't do anything to change that, but I'm sure that is why I wasn't asked to help with the planning.
I've been crying off and on hiding in the bathroom...
trying to not show the tears and hurt on my face and in my eyes.

Why do people hate me so?

I'm not a bad person, a little difficult sometimes, but not altogether bad.
Yet, people judge, ignore and betray me for no reason at all.
Well, I don't know how much longer I can take this...

To be shunned and ignored like I have some sort of disease, HURTS.

I'm a freak!

Blessings

I had a great 2008 and hope that 2009 will be just as rewarding
for me and for you.

Each year I gain not only weight, but
confidence
and a clarity
that brings peace of mind to my every day life.
Every aspect of my life has become richer and more blessed.

Family ties and friendships have become my core - NOT ED.
Really the only Ed trait left is the mind games he plays now and then to lure me back, but I don't even bother with his silly antics.
Yes, sometimes it's hard to combat his requests with that
"silky voice of his".
Lately it's been difficult, but I believe that is due to the hectic holiday season.

TravelingFOOD, moneyFOOD, daddy-problemsFOOD
with alot on my plate (no pun intended), FOOD sometimes becomes the ENEMY.

When I'm home with my family, I try OR am as normal as can be.
I let my guard down and am free to just be me, but then I have to deal with the weight gain when I get back home.
When I was sick I would just do what I had to do to loose the weight,
but now I
CHOOSE NOT TO
and dropping a few extra pounds it the
HARDEST
thing in the world for me to accomplish.

My body isn't like everyone elses,
it has the extra pounds it needs/wants and won't let go of them for anything.
My doctor used to call this starvation mode,
not sure if this still applies as I am NOT SICKLY, SKINNY anymore.

Being five pounds over where you'd prefer to be may not be huge to the general public, but for me it is!
It signifies how easy it was to gain those pounds in the first place and how easy it could be to keep gaining.
Each year brings me closer to my original weight BEFORE Ed and I'm not quite ready for that.

So this year I will fight
I'll put my combat boots on if I have to

to stop thinking that there is an ideal weight for me and not box myself into thinking that I must remain a certain size.

Avon Walk for Breast Cancer

Last year I did the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer and it was such an amazing experience that I've decided to do it again this year. I registered last week and already received the material in the mail to get started. I'm working on my personal web page through Avon so that I can start fundraising. Soon I'll have to start training (I remember that - not so much fun, but worth it in the end).

This year the event is June 6-7 2009 I will be walking with my best friend Regina along with thousands of others who truly believe that we can make a difference in the lives of women everywhere. Please take a moment to consider donating to the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer. I know that times are tough, money is tight. . . but even just a small donation adds up and makes a difference.

Home for the Holidays

I was home for Thanksgiving and it's always such a blessing to see my family. I wish I wasn't out of state and that I could go home more often.
It is where I am most happy!
My brother Chris and his kids - Nick, Griffin and Paige

My brother Bill

My dear sweet momMy "poppy" (dad) on his 60th birthday which we all got to celebrate togetherMy very best friend in the whole wide world, Robyn

I love you all and am very lucky to have you in my life!

Finding my way

I'm trying to get back into writing and am having a hard time doing it. I think I need a break from work to get back my life, thoughts and happiness again. I need to find my way and not pressure myself to write or it will become a chore and I don't want that. My posts have been to help and/or inspire and when you don't feel all that helpful for inspired - I don't know what to write. There have been a few posts about when I struggle, but mostly I try to be uplifting or I try at least. Even if I feel down I'd post, but to feel nothing - it's strange.

I have a half day of work tomorrow and am getting to gether with a friend and am off the week of Thanksgiving - hopefully I'll find some inspiration.