Dreams

For many, many years my HOPES and DREAMS diminished with each passing moment as my eating disorder took control of my life. However, I didn't mind as I was too sick to care. My hopes were to pass and for life to pass me by. I have wished this for almost 10 years now, to be non-existent. For death if I were to be totally honest. I know this sounds blunt and scares most people, but it's/was how I felt. Things have changed over the years, I don't wish for the angles to take me with them, but I instead wish for happiness. Happiness, so foreign to me. HAPPINESS, true happiness would be like a vacation from life. To be loved and to love is all I seem to wish for lately. Is this even possible? I don't know, but I know I'm so very lonely and want friendship and need support so very much. But, as I search I find only unhappiness at every turn. Am I trying to find something unattainable?

Last night my dreams were horrifying. I dreamed of a girl so sick from her eating disorder that her hair was falling out in clumps. A girl so sick that her teeth were falling out. I woke up from the nightmare terrified, terrified that I've stayed with ED for so long. That this nightmare is what I used to wish for in reality and even worse my hopes for death. Was this a sign? When I fully awoke, I was scared, as I feel myself slipping deeply into depression, always sad, always crying again.

I called my friend Erin and she was able to help me work through my feelings this morning. I hope with support from my friends and family that I can pull myself out of the nightmares and back into the dreams and hopes of happiness.

Nothing and Everything

Nothing yet everything has happened since my last post...
I spent two months in an eating disorder program in downtown Chicago.
It was extremely hard, but very worth it in the end.
I still have difficult days with my weight and eating, but overall it's gotten a lot easier.
The number on the scale is still important, but it doesn't turn my whole world upside down like it once had.
I still have an unrealistic ideal of what I want to weigh, however I now know it's unrealistic and unhealthy.
Mentally, I feel so much better and with that comes the self-confidence I never knew I had.
I'm so much happier and have a better outlook on life in general.
So much so that I'm trying the dating scene again after 10 years.
With Ed in my life I was unable to date anyone but him.
Now, that he's packed his bags and is moving on so can I.
It's exciting and scary all at the same time, but I'm loving it all.