During my eating disorder many friends have come and gone, specifically GONE. They either couldn't tolerate my isolation, the fact that I belittled myself and oozed self-hatred or that I was just plain killing myself. Well, with recovery has come the need to reconnect with a few of the friends lost during that time. The long-standing friendships prior to Ed. I've spent alot of time and energy this year tracking them down and making an attempt to rekindle the friendship we once had. A few have been happy that I'm well and we've been in contact while recently one had responded in this way:
I'm glad for you that you're taking the steps you need to make your life better-I have been doing the same thing and as you know, it is very difficult. It's difficult for everyone...
After some long thinking, I fear that rekindling the relationship we once had would not be healthy to bring into my life again.Having listened to you over the phone, I still don't hear or feel that you have acknowledged how your illness/addiction/disorder affects other people, who are/were in your life. It is/has been very painful, very difficult for me & I simply do not have the energy to deal with it.
I need to focus on myself for the first time instead of others and take care of me-
I wish you the peace, joy & happiness in all that you do...
So, needless to say I am a little hurt by the response and upset by the lack of feeling towards what I was going through. I know many people felt helpless seeing me torture myself day in and day out and fearful that I was literally killing myself. But, no one has ever said "I don't think you have acknowledge how it affected me." I thought constantly about those I was hurting, but there was nothing I could do about it. Believe me if I could have stopped vomiting, abusing laxative and causing self-injury I would have - dah. Unfortunately, the disorder had control and there was no stopping the daily self-inflicted pain caused - even for you - but mostly for me.
I am going to say I'm sorry here, but to me instead.
I am sorry that I hurt you so badly for so many years.
I'm sorry that you had to endure more pain inflicted by me that most people go through in a lifetime.
I'm sorry you went hungry for weeks at a time without food.
I'm sorry I made you eliminate everything you ate as a consequence of my controlling behavior.
I'm sorry that you were burned and cut because of my self-hatred towards you.
Scars are present for the years of torture I've put you through and I'm truly sorry.
Please forgive me -
love your inner child
Episode 28: Chicago
1 month ago