Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Needing Something

Needing something yet not knowing what it is
Searching for something yet in all the wrong places
Lonely for someone yet who is it
Hoping for change yet how do I achieve it
Hungry for sustenance yet avoiding it
Full of it all yet can't get enough
Praying for direction yet always lost
LOST inside myself, trapped within my own walls

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Sisters on the "web"

I'm a volunteer "big sister" for the organization Big Brothers Big Sisters. My little sister Maddy and I have been together for over three years and loving every minute of it (maddy and me post). Not too long ago I received an email asking for my participation in the filming of a web recruitment video. After a filmed selection process "we" were chosen to be apart of this amazing experience. Of course, we were both very nervous, but accepted the challenge. The film is finally is on the web and is so cool, please check out our debut.

Being a "big sister" is an awesome experience. It's a chance to give your time and love to someone who desperately needs extra support and encouragement in their lives.
What you may not realize going into this is what you get in return:
to be a kid again, lots of fun and play
2) laughs
3) love
4) smiles
extended family

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Practice wellness

Speak quietly to yourself and promise there will be better days.
Whisper gently to yourself and provide assurance that you really are extending your best effort.
Console your bruised and tender spirit with reminders of many other successes.
Offer comfort in practical and tangible ways - as if you were encouraging your dearest friend.
Recognize that on certain days the greatest grace is that the day is over and you get to close your eyes.
Tomorrow comes more brightly...

Friday, October 10, 2008

Even in recovery, we still struggle

This blog has been an invitation.
A reflection.
A mirror.

An intimate portrait of some of my process that have allowed me to separate life as it happens to me and life as I choose it.
They are such very different things.

Recovery, I realize is a process of growth and trans
formation. It doesn't mean you instantaneously heal overnight, it takes time and patience. There are good days, great even, then there days of struggle. We all have them! It's just when you have an eating disorder, you may/or may not have the tendency to fall into past patterns of self-destruction.I hate falling into these cycles, but then again I'm only human and we all make mistakes. Along with my eating disorder, I self-injured as a way to distract myself from the pain I felt on the inside. I always described it as a pain I could explain. When so much distress was on the inside, it transformed it into something visible that I could identify with outwardly. Most days, I was numbed by the pain on the inside - a walking zombie. By self-injuring I could FEEL something and it somehow made sense of what I felt inside. In recovery I know it's a place I shouldn't go, but on occasion it's an old crutch for me - a comfort oddly enough. I feel isolated when I do this because I don't want others to see what I've done, but then if they do maybe they'll comfort me - or maybe they'll be mad at me.
Either way I'm screwed.

This past Tuesday I had a really bad day. I blogged about it (see previous post) to reach out, but still did what I did. I'm sharing this to show you that we all have bumps in the road of recovery, but it is how we deal with and move forward that counts. I am a survivor and WILL bounce back, like I do now days. However, if I didn't have these days, I wouldn't see how resilient I am and how far I've come. Years and years and years of this behavior was my past, now it rarely surfaces (thank God).

Recovery is a process and if charted you'd see how far I have come. I am no longer the frail, scared, child-like, isolated, eating disordered person I was. I am strong and easily recover from these moments making myself even stronger than before. So see, it isn't about doing the bad, it's about realizing it and not doing it again. AND if you do, don't be to hard on yourself - tomorrow is another day. I'm proof of that!

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Six Details About ME

I've been tagged!

Georgia from jorjah-b, a wonderful friend of mine and to many others, has tagged me!
I have to list six details about myself.

Here are the rules:

1. link to the person who tagged me (above)
2. list the rules (below)
3. tag six fellow bloggers (??????)
4. leave a comment so they know they've been tagged (??????)

Here are six details about me:

1. I am recovering from an eating disorder and it's a battle worth fighting everyday.

2. As I start to matter, so has the passion to help others who are struggling. I'm working on becoming an advocate and coordinator for the cause. It's a slow process, but worth it to me. This is why I started to blog in the first place hoping to help OR helpings of hope (get it).

3. LOVE my family and friends. My family lives in Minnesota along with my best friend and I miss them terribly. I'm blessed for truly wonderful friends who love and support me daily AND are a big part of my life.

4. REALLY LOVE "pickles" always have - always will. As a little girl, I'd be caught in the fridge eating the whole jar. As a teenager I found they went well with Frito's and popcorn and consumed mass amounts of these odd combinations. As an adult I still love them, the odd pairings have ceased - but I eat them when I can and as many as I can.

5. I have always been oddly flexible! As a child I found it amusing to wrap my leg around my head and watch heads turn. At almost 37 - I'm still very flexible, but tend to keep the odd bits of show to a minimum.

6. I LOVE to read. I'm a complete book worm and if I could save a whole weekend to just veg and read I would. It's extremely relaxing to me, yet I have a hard time putting it down to actually sleep. I go to work tired many mornings cause I read way past my bed time.

I would love to tag six fellow bloggers, however I don't have any fellow bloggers to tag.
I have a friend that I'm going to have do this as well, but her blog is private:
Cori :)

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

"Struggling" support needed!

I had a really bad day today and don't want to get to specific, other than I just wanted to reach out a bit.

The stress at work is beyond what I can handle. I then tend to take it out on myself by using my eating disorder issues as a vise. The wild and unthinkable thoughts racing through my head are uncontrollable - even after I got home. I've stayed in isolation trying to regroup myself and just can't muster the courage to pull myself out of it. I have to - just have to get myself out of my stinking thinking cause it's bogging me down physically and mentally. I don't think things will get much better because if my workload right now (managing 9200 pages) and the fact that I don't get help or support at work doesn't help the matter.

Please pray for me!

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Come to the edge

“Come to the edge.”
“We can't. We're afraid.”
“Come to the edge.”
“We can't. We will fall!”
“Come to the edge.”
And they came.
And he pushed them.
And they flew.

Guillaume Apollinaire, 1880-1918
French Poet, Philosopher

You are your own healer

I think that healing is calling out to us everyday. Healing opportunities surround us and sometimes we choose not to heal. Sometimes it hurts too much to peel back the layers and feel what's under there. Yet what we're not healing is hurting us somehow - whether through absence, stagnation, avoidance or bad dreams. Healing can also feel lonely. Especially if we continually feel that we are the "only ones." I believe that the more I share my life, the more I can heal and in return help others heal. Healing can be nearly invisible, agonizingly slow, astonishingly rapid, easy, very difficult and woven into the hurts so we can't tell what's been healed right away. I feel so terribly alone in my pain, yet I know that I am not alone.

I am grateful every single day for my current inactive (somewhat) eating disorder and am filled with compassion for anyone who is experiencing it. I am deeply saddened to see beautiful women live in prisons of fear, fat and food.

I feel my calling is to seek out people and listen to what they're saying - to help in some way. I hope that you share and circulate your own healing stories. We need them! Let's take all our masks off and see the soft, teary, wistful faces that lie underneath.

Ask yourself these questions:
Am I making my most alive choices?
Am I signing up for change?
Am I intimately engaged in my own life?
Am I creatively fulfilled?
Am I surrounded by a healing support system?

Any healing you do affects us all!

Letter to self

Dear Sandy,
You are feeling so overwhelmed right now. You are feeling completely out of control. The only thing that I want to tell you is: YOU DO HAVE A CHOICE. You do not have to turn to Ed. Yes, I know that in the past, Ed has been your escape from the feelings. And for the moment, Ed seems to work. But in the long run, YOU WILL REGRET GOING TO ED. He makes you depressed and miserable. He makes promises that he never keeps. Sometimes I am on the verge of relapse, I have thoughts of Ed and wish for him to take care of me again. But, I say NO and YOU CAN TO RIGHT NOW.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

The fear of succeeding

The fear of succeeding is actually scarier than failing AND sometimes it feels like writing is the only thing that saves me.
Sharing my truths opens doors for healing and intimacy with others.
Still, we at times withhold the truth, fearing loss or conflict or judgment.
We dance with deception and half-truths and hope we can evade "having to tell the truth." If we live in truth, we will be closer to our actual experience and therefore open to more joy. If we let ourselves be truly seen then we can be truly loved.
The truth hurts and heals. Hurts when we fear and resist it, heals when we allow it to speak and change how we see. Our emotional lives are messy and filled with half-expressed feelings, unexpressed needs and withheld truths. Checking in is a simple way to navigate through feelings with others. So many times, I'm lost in my head with fears and I am not emotionally present. Learning to check in with myself is another step towards emotional wholeness.
This is why I blog...to share my truths and to open doors to healing.

Learn to fight your inner critic as fiercely as you would an attacker.