Friday, October 10, 2008

Even in recovery, we still struggle

This blog has been an invitation.
A reflection.
A mirror.

An intimate portrait of some of my process that have allowed me to separate life as it happens to me and life as I choose it.
They are such very different things.

Recovery, I realize is a process of growth and trans
formation. It doesn't mean you instantaneously heal overnight, it takes time and patience. There are good days, great even, then there days of struggle. We all have them! It's just when you have an eating disorder, you may/or may not have the tendency to fall into past patterns of self-destruction.I hate falling into these cycles, but then again I'm only human and we all make mistakes. Along with my eating disorder, I self-injured as a way to distract myself from the pain I felt on the inside. I always described it as a pain I could explain. When so much distress was on the inside, it transformed it into something visible that I could identify with outwardly. Most days, I was numbed by the pain on the inside - a walking zombie. By self-injuring I could FEEL something and it somehow made sense of what I felt inside. In recovery I know it's a place I shouldn't go, but on occasion it's an old crutch for me - a comfort oddly enough. I feel isolated when I do this because I don't want others to see what I've done, but then if they do maybe they'll comfort me - or maybe they'll be mad at me.
Either way I'm screwed.

This past Tuesday I had a really bad day. I blogged about it (see previous post) to reach out, but still did what I did. I'm sharing this to show you that we all have bumps in the road of recovery, but it is how we deal with and move forward that counts. I am a survivor and WILL bounce back, like I do now days. However, if I didn't have these days, I wouldn't see how resilient I am and how far I've come. Years and years and years of this behavior was my past, now it rarely surfaces (thank God).

Recovery is a process and if charted you'd see how far I have come. I am no longer the frail, scared, child-like, isolated, eating disordered person I was. I am strong and easily recover from these moments making myself even stronger than before. So see, it isn't about doing the bad, it's about realizing it and not doing it again. AND if you do, don't be to hard on yourself - tomorrow is another day. I'm proof of that!

2 comments:

Chris said...

Thank you so much for sharing with us. You are very strong and brave to share your story AND go through this all on a daily basis. Just know that you have an entire community of friends and sympathetic ears that are here for you, whenever you need someone to talk to.

Cori said...

You are strong, very strong! I completely understand your post. We abuse ourselves.. I have yet to figure out how I an punish myself so badly and wouldn't wish this on anyone. Now I'm rambling....