Sunset Drive

This beauty is last night's sunset from my back yard.
Normally, I miss these sights...but Greg called me outside to witness it's beauty and I had my camera in hand.

Falling for Fall

Fall has never been a favorite of mine because I know what comes next.

I DO love the heat and everything summer has to offer. It lifts my mood and cheers me instantly.

I DO hate cold, damp weather it creeps into my soul and does nasty things to my mood.

This year I'm going to love fall for its beauty. Everyone gushes about how pretty fall is and usually I roll my eyes and think; "oh how I hate winter". I'm going to repeat to myself fall is not winter--enjoy the beauty.

Here are some pictures I took this morning on a beautiful walk alone. I enjoyed every moment with my camera and I hope you do too!


Me, enjoying this beautiful morning of solitude


A friendly bench where I read and wrote in my journal


A dragon fly resting for a moment so I could capture his beauty


Amazingly beautiful fall leaves


"Bee"coming peaceful with myself on this journey


Pretty purple flower OR weed, whichever -- it's still pretty to me


Captivating white flowers

Well, that was my morning's journey!

Recovery has brought me peace of mind, a tranquility within myself that now makes these alone moments special.

Inspirational Sandwhich

This blog contains food for your soul.

It is meant to be nibbled and tasted in no particular order.

It is a chance for my soul to speak, a mood captured in time, something that is visible.

To invite my fears in, then tell them to sit down and shut up!

I am in the midst of learning to face my fears. It seems that fears are based on these things: illusion and future thinking, with a side-order of "what if." Yes, fears must be respected and learned about, but they must not paralyze us or lure us into a half-life of being afraid all the time. Once you face a fear, it looses all of its stuffing and will sit quietly in the back seat and do as it's told. I feel that fears drive us away from our true selves. I used to live in denial of my fears and tried to cover them up with a "happy face." I now see that my greatest growth is happening with an acceptance of my fears, of giving them a voice and learning new ways to deal with them. Thank heavens for therapy, self healing and God helping me to unravel my fears because its a process that I'm afraid to do alone!

I like to take the impossible and make them possible. I believe that we need to go where we want to be and the resources will follow us.

Impossible means I'm possible!

I love to journal and blog because it helps me to discover and uncover myself, to encourage my bravery, sort out my difficulties, to invent new ways of being and seeing. I believe that we can use our pain to transform and give new form to the deepest, most damaged parts of ourselves.

All of my friends inspire me and I believe that inspiration can illuminate tiny parts of ourselves and help them to grow.

Feeling Blue

I love to blog and like the way it is turning out, but haven't felt like I'm helping anyone yet. Hopefully someday. It kinda gets me down that I'm not reaching anyone, but in the meantime it helps me and makes me feel good to blog and that's what counts I guess. RIGHT?!?

We all struggle with this issue in some form or another, some worse than others I suppose. We just need to reach out and do the impossible and together we can make a difference. So, thanks for believing in me.

On blue days I normally shut down, but even this small entry has helped, I think!

Music - Godsmack (cont.)

This is to continue yesterdays blog entry about "Godsmack".

HERE IS SULLY:)



OK, I feel better now that my picture has posted correctly (I took the picture and it looks way cool)!

Music

Anyone who knows me knows my love for music (specifically Godsmack). Now, I know that I don't look like the typical rocker, headbanger chick...but I am. I became a fan about 9 years ago (or so) and have loved them ever since. During my eating disorder, in the really dark days, the music seemed to soothe my anger and it was a way for me to release all the pent up emotions that I felt about everything going on in my life. Now, I also like the calmer songs (if you can call them that). The words to every song just hit me and somehow I become at peace. I felt then and still do that "they get me - Sully Erna (the singer) must be writing all his songs about or for me (and I'll believe this if I want to:)

Sully has also written a book called "The Paths We Choose". It is about his upbringing, struggles in life and how Godsmack came to be. It was awesome! I tried to get it signed in June when I went to their last concert with my brother at the House of Blues in Chicago, but unfortunately it wasn't meant to be.

Lyrics to I Am...(this song reminds me of my dark days with Ed (eating disorder)

I am your spoken truth
I am the lies in you
I'm gonna make you shine in everything you do
I am your lighted way
And I'm your darkest day
I'm here to help you see you can rely on me

Just consider me your friend
I am until the end
Can I guarantee you life?
I don't think I can

This isn't the life for me
This isn't the way I want to be
And let me tell you
Death will come when I'm good and ready

I am your peace of mind
Confusing all your time
I'm running through your veins, I am your pain
I thought by now you'd know
I'll never let you go
It's time you recognize I am the devil's eyes

Just consider me your friend
I am until the end
Can I guarantee you life?
I don't think I can

This isn't the life for me
This isn't the way I want to be
And let me tell you
Death will come when I'm good and ready

This isn't the life for me
This isn't the way I want to be
And let me tell you
Death will come when I'm good and ready

Take me by my hand
And let me show you what I am
I'm taking control again
Now I know I can
Take you back to where it all began
'Cause I am

This isn't the life for me
This isn't the way I want to be
And let me tell you
Death will come when I'm good and ready

This isn't the life for me
This isn't the way I want to be
And let me tell you
Death will come when I'm good and ready

I have more to blog about them and pictures to upload...but for some reason it won't let me so for now goodnight!

It's not about the number

A good thing to remember - IT'S NOT ABOUT THE NUMBER. With an eating disorder everything is about the numbers. How we feel that day, what mood we are in and how we feel about the day we are about to begin...it's all about and based on the numbers. As I recover this is still something I struggle with, but I saw this picture and thought it was very appropriate. I don't judge or change my feelings about my pets or loved ones because of how much they weigh (nor should I about myself). I have two adorably LARGE cats and love them regardless of their weight (and they are two very large cats). If anything I love them more because they are snugglier.

Below are my two furballs..who love me regardless of my weight!
Above is Blacky, he is so fluffy and weighs in at 28lbs. He has to get into everything, or at least tries.And this is Pepper, she is always watchful of everything around her including her weight at 16lbs.

Self-Care

"sing of your singularity and bask in the shine of all that you are and all that you may become." -mar

The aspirations listed here are important to me as I seek greater ways of loving myself and providing my whole being with the best possible care.

Sanctuary. I need a place to dwell, a sanctuary to rest, imagine, create, restore and envision.

Nourishment. I will feed my body with food that will fuel it well and stimulate my spirit, thought, and body's performance to higher levels of service.

Growth. I will continue to celebrate my increasing ability to demonstrate love for myself and others. I will reach for extraordinary creative expression and work and play to create work that inspires and motivates myself and others.

Friendship. I will tend the spirits of friends who compose my small circle of friendships.

Security. I will broaden the stability of my financial base and will continue movement to stable growth.

Learning. I will continue to be a student and a teacher. I will continue to sing my song and be blessed with the music of others. I will inhale and exhale mindfully: I will be grateful for that breath and will work to make certain that I may assist in protecting the breath of others. I will learn to rest and practice being silly. At least a little silly.

In all ways I will endeavor to be better, smarter, and more true at the end of any day than I was at the beginning.

Leadership

You cannot be a leader, and ask other people to follow you, unless you are willing to follow, too.
- Sam Rayburn

As I embark on this journey of bringing about the awareness of eating disorders, I want to express my heartfelt desire in making a true difference. To both the general public and to those who suffer from the disease itself. This self-depreciating disease affects so many people and destroys all of those who come into its path. Something has got to be done to stop or at least hinder its control on those that we love. I feel that awareness is the key to its destruction. I am here to embrace those who suffer from this disease and to encourage the countless others who suffer from the wrath encompassing those that they love. Through awareness I hope to lessen its impact on our lives and to take back what it has taken from us. To embrace the self-esteem, self-confidence and dignity we once had. As my dreams and ideas build into a reality I hope to achieve so much and to make a difference in my community. Join the crusade in helping us help each other and together we can build a better tomorrow.

I am working very hard to become an awareness coordinator in my area for eating disorders. I am awaiting for the 2009 packet information to become available so that I can officially speak for the cause and start making a difference.

Wish me luck and that my success will shine as a light of hope and inspire numbers that cannot be totaled.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness doesn't rest in the hands of anyone else. And it's not dependent upon anyone else. I'm not even sure forgiveness has anything to do with anyone else. It's not a matter of whether someone deserves it, or if they will even know about it. Forgiveness has to do with the burden I carry around. The load I'm hefting on the back of my heart. Forgiveness enables me to set the weight down. To not haul all the "how could you?" kinds of questions around. I held a huge grudge in my heart and had a lot of resentment towards others during my eating disorder. I was mad at the world, but mostly myself. I was unhappy and my world was falling apart as I sat there and could do nothing about it. I hated life and pretty much everyone in it. I let few people in as I didn't want to get hurt any more than I was already hurting. Now, as I head in the right direction (recovery) and my mind is clear, the grudges and resentments are fading. It wasn't anyone's fault or my own for the way my life was going. It was just life, it had to run its course and now I am free. I hold no bitterness as I am in control of my life and it feels good.

Priorities

Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.
- Will Rogers

I have never been a priority in my life. So, to make all the changes towards recovery was really hard for me. It was easier for me to do what was right if it mattered to someone else. "Well if so and so wants me to eat this meal then I guess it is OK." This is how I was surviving...with the mentality that I do not matter enough to do it for me. When I used to visit family in MN my motto was "I'll fix it later." I'd do what was normal with them, but as God as my witness I'd have to fix it when I got back home. This is my biggest struggle to date, making me a priority. I'm working on it, but find it to be the hardest thing to tackle in recovery. I remind myself in these moments "just because I can do it does not means I should do it" and that helps.

Make yourself a priority, whether you're in recovery or not.

Things do not change; we change

Things do not change; we change.
- Henry David Thoreau

There is so much to say about change. I have made many changes in my life recently, all for the better. It's the flip side of the coin from "control". I always felt during my eating disorder that I was in control. That it was the one thing in my life I could control when everything else was out of control. Through recovery I have learned that it really controlled me. I was manipulated and tortured daily by Ed. Embracing change willfully means we develop our ability to adapt to new situations, new environments, both expected and unexpected. Change will come to our lives. Friends will come and go. Jobs will be lost. Loved ones will die. How we adapt, how we deal with those changes determines how well we live our lives. In the beginning of my recovery I thought that it would be impossible to change my behavior. That Ed's hold was too strong and that I would lose the battle because I was not strong enough. I felt this way for the first couple of years. Then as it became the norm to fight back and stand up for myself the changes became easier. At first my meal plans were pure torture, I wasn't hungry and it really was not appealing. Then with time, as I fought my inner demons, eating the meals became easier. I knew it was what I had to do to survive. Now, I feel hunger and eat (as hard as it is sometimes). I now know that eating it is what will keep me Ed free. Granted I do have my daily struggles, but I accept the challenge and move towards change.

The meaning of change is to make or become different, transform. This is what must be done!

Relentless Commitment

I did not reinvent my life all by myself -- the support and commitment of my closest friends made it a cooperative effort. The transition came with uncertainty and pain, but the results speak of the boldness of my commitment. Notes from "Live Boldly".

Each day can present itself with challenges, but it is how we face them and move through them that counts.

This weekend is a particularly hard one for me, Labor Day that is. It is the weekend that I both got married and divorced, of course with a couple years in between. Since then it has been a rough weekend, memories flood back to me and it can be quite unmanagable (even after eight years). So, I lean on my support team and muddle through the feelings.

Because of my "relentless commitment" I've made it through another Labor Day weekend.

Challenge

What if I am willing to put aside my anxiety and concerns and conduct myself as if I were not challenged, and the days not difficult? What if I behave in such a way as to lead myself to a more joyful place...and every time a reminder of lack, or absence of resource, presents itself...I am willing to see it as opportunity rather than obstacle? What if I call it a challenge, rather than crisis? What if, at the end of a situation, I ask, "What will I learn from this to make me better?" Perhaps I can change the way I look at things today. Just today.

When I know the most significant elements in my days are laughter, learning and applying my finest efforts to each endeavor -- then, because of these things, each morning is a pleasure and every day passed is a success.

THINK FIRST IN YOUR SITUATION...This thing may challenge me, but it does not define me.
Notes from "Live Boldly".

In the past my eating disorder defined me, it was all I knew and all I wanted to be. These days as recovery from my eating takes a priority I realize that many things define me.
.The love I have for family and friends
.My love for volunteering
.My passion to make a difference to someone with an eating disorder
.My organizational and communication skills in the workplace
there may be more to add to this list someday, but I haven't figured them all out yet...
and now thankfully I have plenty of time

Vision

The next chapter in "Live Boldly" was on vision. Vision is defined as such "to expect a greater standard, a better result; to step up, peer over the shoulders of what is ordinary and get a good sighting on what is possible. to act with vision is to dare to believe a greater thing will unfold before you as you clear your sight." Often with an eating disorder your vision is NOT CLEAR, it's cloudy. You see things in your head differently than they really are. For instance you look in the mirror and see fat and ugly and immediate hatred for yourself ensues! Deep down you believe this to be true because it's what Ed (your eating disorder) tells you, but if others were to give you there opinion this couldn't be further from the truth. Now, when I look in the mirror and hear Ed's voice, I look again and assess myself with my eyes not his. I combat the voices and think to myself; you look good for 36, you have great hair, your clothes fit (so you know you didn't gain 20 lbs. over night) and basically tell him to F-off. Here are a could pictures to show you how my vision has improved. The first one is of me in 2003 (much skinner - to the right) and the other from a couple weeks ago (much healthier - to the left). In the past when I'd compare pictures like this I would get upset and think how could I let myself get this big. Now, my vision (with the help of my supporters) is much clearer. I know that I'm not big, I may not always be happy, but it's a matter of opinion and mine is not always correct.

Perspective

Again from the book, "Live Boldly" I came to the chapter of perspective. It says "things are either stumbling blocks or stepping stones. Unexpected events can set you back or set you up. It's all a matter of --perspective. How true! In the life of my eating disorder everything was always about me, poor me. My life was so horrible and I could think of nothing else. As I've regained my clarity, I realize things in life aren't so bad. Yeah, there not always great or fair -- but it could be worse. Others have it much tougher that I do and they survive. So as I journey through recovery, I try to keep things in perspective (remembering it's not always about me or done to me). That's what helps me to build myself up and reach the next stepping stone NOT to stumble backwards with life's set-backs.

Motto

I am reading a new book called "Live Boldly" cultivate the qualities that can change your life.
I am excited because it gives me thoughts to ponder and assignments to conquer.
In the first chapter it asks me "If you had a motto, what would it be?"
I really wanted it to be something that describes me and also something that I could grow into.
I have this necklace that reads: "RECOVERY to overcome adversity stand in the face of challenge and succeed".
Not that recovery defines me...but in life I would like to overcome any adversity that may come my way, stand in the face of all challenges and to definitely succeed.
Overall it encompasses what I strive for in life; success in adverse times.

Dismal Days of the Past

To this point I've shared many positive things regarding my recovery. But, to show you my mentality in my sick days, I will share a few poems. This is to prove to you that dark days last only for a short while, however long they may seem -- AND THEY DO SEEM LONG! My vice along with the eating disorder was self-injury. It was a pain I could explain when everything else in my life seemed out of control.

The poems were written to represent my self-injury (past) and no longer represents who I am (today). I struggled for many, many years, but have overcome huge obstacles and am here to be a positive role model the best way I can. I most likely will not share more of these because they no longer reflect who I am today. But, feel they represent how far I've come in recovery.

4/5/01
I try to burn him out of my skin
It's red and it's blistered, but still he stays in
He gloats with self-righteousness when I pick at the scar
"Now everyone can see how ugly you are".

I'm at his mercy; I am his little lamb
I want him to leave, but he is who I am
He has diligently carved a large, gaping hole
He's reached his hand in and thrown out my soul

I am beaten and battered, weakened and tired
He's destroyed everything to which I've once aspired
He feeds on my misery and drinks up my tears
He takes all my strength and leaves me with fears

I hate how he stole all I have left
Although, he would call it a petty theft
I want to destroy him, it's what I have to do
But, he warns, "you'll destroy you too"

_______________________________________________

As you sit there getting hot
My mind wrestles with every thought
I look in the mirror and see no tears
I've locked away all of my fears
Hiding from the truths that come to light
Help me to disappear far from sight
I hide in the shadows full of self-hate
I really do feel this is my fate
The hotter you get
I have no regrets
Scars to show my pain is real
No one understands just how I feel
I hear myself screaming, but nothing is coming out
Please help me to figure it all out

_____________________________________________
3/1/01
Shard of glass
a half an inch thick
you tell me my truth
you make me sick.
I look into you
with tears in my eyes
who I have grown
to hate and despise.
She gazes back at me
with a vindictive glare
"I hate you" she says
so I no longer stare.
She lives in a world
parallel to mine
I can no longer watch her
Slip away with time.
She coexists inside of me
where my soul used to be
she's taken me over
I can't set her free.
I light candles to hide her
she's blurred in the flame
I cover her with makeup
but, I can still see the shame.
I turn out the light
thinking she's gone
but, she screams and she cries
so I know I am wrong.
She has destroyed me
and taken me away
she brought me to this place
I am destined to stay.

After a While

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
You learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open,
with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So plant your own garden and redecorate your soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn you really can endure...
That you really are strong.
And you really do have worth.

Tips

Here are some tips to think about as you start the recovery process:

1) Acknowledge that your behavior is unhealthy and that you need to make changes. Change is YOUR choice.

2) Don't wait for others to "fix" you. Take responsibility for your own recovery.

3) Learn to listen to your "self". Recognize and honor your needs and wants. Spend some quiet time so you can hear your "self".

4) Focus on your feelings before, during and after you binge, purge or restrict. Whatever you are feeling is valid. Find alternative ways to resolve these feelings. Don't stuff them -- express them.

5) Stop comparing yourself to others. You are a unique and valuable person just as you are. Value your individuality.

6) Set small goals that you can accomplish easily, and congratulate yourself for every success.

7) Focus on the present and positive aspects of your life. Let go of the past and the future.

8) Become aware of your negative self-talk (i.e. I can't do that because I'm fat. I always make mistakes). Challenge and dispute that talk (i.e. I am successful at... The size of my body does not determine my worth). Replace the negative statements with positive statements and encouragement (i.e. I have value. It's OK to make mistakes. I learn from my mistakes).

9) Take time to nurture yourself in ways other than with food, such as a walk, a hot bath, a special present.

10) Talk to someone rather that turning to food for support. Keep talking until you find someone who is willing to unconditionally accept your body, your feelings, your needs; to accept your "true self".

11) Start trying to appreciate different achievements in yourself and others. Work towards the point where weight and appearance are no longer something by which you rate your success. Think about your accomplishments, positive personal qualities, and valued relationships.

12) Identify goals and activities you have been putting off until you're thin, make a list and start doing them now. Appreciate who you are now and start living your life today.

13) Explore your possible ambivalence about giving up these behaviors and your feelings of living without these old coping techniques. Take the risk to try new behaviors, without being certain of the outcome.

14) Recognize your personal rights. You have the right to say no. You have the right to express your feelings or your opinion. You have the right to ask to have your needs met.

15) Keep a journal of your experiences, feelings, thoughts and insights. This is a safe place to be honest with yourself--the journal is for your eyes only, no one else will be reading it or judging it. The journal can also help you identify your "triggers" so you may prepare yourself to choose alternate strategies.

16) Develop a creative outlet. Take up painting, drawing, writing. No one will judge it, and it is a great outlet for expressing feelings.

17) Don't let the scale run your life. Remember the numbers on a scale are not a value judgement on your self-worth. Give the scale away.

18) Dispute the concept of a cultural ideal of beauty as being unrealistic. people come in all shapes and sizes. The concept if an ideal body is a form of prejudice, similar to racism.

19) Seek professional help for guidance in your recovery. Help can be found from counselors, support groups, family doctors, nutritionists, experienced in helping people recovering from eating disorders.

20) Relax. Be kind to yourself. Trust yourself. You can make changes.