Dismal Days of the Past

To this point I've shared many positive things regarding my recovery. But, to show you my mentality in my sick days, I will share a few poems. This is to prove to you that dark days last only for a short while, however long they may seem -- AND THEY DO SEEM LONG! My vice along with the eating disorder was self-injury. It was a pain I could explain when everything else in my life seemed out of control.

The poems were written to represent my self-injury (past) and no longer represents who I am (today). I struggled for many, many years, but have overcome huge obstacles and am here to be a positive role model the best way I can. I most likely will not share more of these because they no longer reflect who I am today. But, feel they represent how far I've come in recovery.

4/5/01
I try to burn him out of my skin
It's red and it's blistered, but still he stays in
He gloats with self-righteousness when I pick at the scar
"Now everyone can see how ugly you are".

I'm at his mercy; I am his little lamb
I want him to leave, but he is who I am
He has diligently carved a large, gaping hole
He's reached his hand in and thrown out my soul

I am beaten and battered, weakened and tired
He's destroyed everything to which I've once aspired
He feeds on my misery and drinks up my tears
He takes all my strength and leaves me with fears

I hate how he stole all I have left
Although, he would call it a petty theft
I want to destroy him, it's what I have to do
But, he warns, "you'll destroy you too"

_______________________________________________

As you sit there getting hot
My mind wrestles with every thought
I look in the mirror and see no tears
I've locked away all of my fears
Hiding from the truths that come to light
Help me to disappear far from sight
I hide in the shadows full of self-hate
I really do feel this is my fate
The hotter you get
I have no regrets
Scars to show my pain is real
No one understands just how I feel
I hear myself screaming, but nothing is coming out
Please help me to figure it all out

_____________________________________________
3/1/01
Shard of glass
a half an inch thick
you tell me my truth
you make me sick.
I look into you
with tears in my eyes
who I have grown
to hate and despise.
She gazes back at me
with a vindictive glare
"I hate you" she says
so I no longer stare.
She lives in a world
parallel to mine
I can no longer watch her
Slip away with time.
She coexists inside of me
where my soul used to be
she's taken me over
I can't set her free.
I light candles to hide her
she's blurred in the flame
I cover her with makeup
but, I can still see the shame.
I turn out the light
thinking she's gone
but, she screams and she cries
so I know I am wrong.
She has destroyed me
and taken me away
she brought me to this place
I am destined to stay.