Monday, September 8, 2008

Things do not change; we change

Things do not change; we change.
- Henry David Thoreau

There is so much to say about change. I have made many changes in my life recently, all for the better. It's the flip side of the coin from "control". I always felt during my eating disorder that I was in control. That it was the one thing in my life I could control when everything else was out of control. Through recovery I have learned that it really controlled me. I was manipulated and tortured daily by Ed. Embracing change willfully means we develop our ability to adapt to new situations, new environments, both expected and unexpected. Change will come to our lives. Friends will come and go. Jobs will be lost. Loved ones will die. How we adapt, how we deal with those changes determines how well we live our lives. In the beginning of my recovery I thought that it would be impossible to change my behavior. That Ed's hold was too strong and that I would lose the battle because I was not strong enough. I felt this way for the first couple of years. Then as it became the norm to fight back and stand up for myself the changes became easier. At first my meal plans were pure torture, I wasn't hungry and it really was not appealing. Then with time, as I fought my inner demons, eating the meals became easier. I knew it was what I had to do to survive. Now, I feel hunger and eat (as hard as it is sometimes). I now know that eating it is what will keep me Ed free. Granted I do have my daily struggles, but I accept the challenge and move towards change.

The meaning of change is to make or become different, transform. This is what must be done!

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