Monday, September 22, 2008

Choosing Succulence

Being "positive" is a choice. I am flooded with the same doubts, terrors, insecurities, rages, worries and critical inner voices as everyone else -- maybe more! Sometimes I go overboard describing my faults or flaws, to the extent that I see people cringe and wonder, "why am I listening to/reading this person if she is so riddled with stuff?" We are all riddled with stuff. Being positive does not mean being accepting of the negative, or ignorant of the issues or anything else. It means seeing the grace in as much as you can see. I resist my dark places and try to hide them from other people, but mostly myself. Sometimes I just skip from one addictive behavior to another -- whatever is loudest and will most quickly fill the emptiness. I will list some of my faults and weaknesses in the hopes that it might inspire you to do the same. Letting it be seen takes away its power. I'm codependent, a eating disorder survivor (almost), obsessively compulsively driven, overly sensitive and highly sensitive, subject to paranoid thinking and I live largely in a state of denial. I'm also very gifted, a good friend, occasionally wise, curious, outspoken, opinionated, quite brave, very flexible, powerful, a believer and creative. I am often seduced by struggle. It's as though it's painful to feel "too good". I'm used to the effort and sometimes confused by the joy. Working with the hard parts and not against them will create movement. I choose to remain positive, unlike past years of negativity. It is a constant struggle to remain positive and happy, but I will continue this journey as it is better than the alternative.

4 comments:

Chris said...

I understand what you're saying. Most days I'm negative, and then when I'm happy, I'm almost annoyed with myself.

There is always that inner struggle we go through, and it's never all good or all bad. I'm sure it's helpful to list these things out, so you can see just how special you are and how many positives there are about you and your life :)

Cori said...

Loved your post!

I am insecure, neurotic, been told I’m borderline, been told I’m not borderline, overly-sensitive, a people pleaser and have a negative amount of self esteem most of the time. I found I am most useful to others when I spit all of this out and don't pretend it doesn't exsist.

Stay strong!

Georgia (AKA g-bug) said...

Amen, sistah!
It IS better than the alternative!

sandy said...

Thanks, I had a really nice weekend (very positive) then came the work week (not so positive).
It seems that sometimes it's easier to handle the bad, cause I'm used to it. When too much good happens it doesn't feel right.