Monday, September 29, 2008

I guess I didn't acknowledge "you"

During my eating disorder many friends have come and gone, specifically GONE. They either couldn't tolerate my isolation, the fact that I belittled myself and oozed self-hatred or that I was just plain killing myself. Well, with recovery has come the need to reconnect with a few of the friends lost during that time. The long-standing friendships prior to Ed. I've spent alot of time and energy this year tracking them down and making an attempt to rekindle the friendship we once had. A few have been happy that I'm well and we've been in contact while recently one had responded in this way:

Hi Sandy,
I'm glad for you that you're taking the steps you need to make your life better-I have been doing the same thing and as you know, it is very difficult. It's difficult for everyone...
After some long thinking, I fear that rekindling the relationship we once had would not be healthy to bring into my life again.Having listened to you over the phone, I still don't hear or feel that you have acknowledged how your illness/addiction/disorder affects other people, who are/were in your life. It is/has been very painful, very difficult for me & I simply do not have the energy to deal with it.

I need to focus on myself for the first time instead of others and take care of me-

I wish you the peace, joy & happiness in all that you do...


So, needless to say I am a little hurt by the response and upset by the lack of feeling towards what I was going through. I know many people felt helpless seeing me torture myself day in and day out and fearful that I was literally killing myself. But, no one has ever said "I don't think you have acknowledge how it affected me." I thought constantly about those I was hurting, but there was nothing I could do about it. Believe me if I could have stopped vomiting, abusing laxative and causing self-injury I would have - dah. Unfortunately, the disorder had control and there was no stopping the daily self-inflicted pain caused - even for you - but mostly for me.

I am going to say I'm sorry here, but to me instead.
I am sorry that I hurt you so badly for so many years.
I'm sorry that you had to endure more pain inflicted by me that most people go through in a lifetime.
I'm sorry you went hungry for weeks at a time without food.
I'm sorry I made you eliminate everything you ate as a consequence of my controlling behavior.
I'm sorry that you were burned and cut because of my self-hatred towards you.
Scars are present for the years of torture I've put you through and I'm truly sorry.

Please forgive me -
love your inner child


Cori said...

Your post made me cry because I am dealing with this right now. A friend of 3 years just 'dumped me' for 'asking her to cross boundaries...' sorry for sharing my life with you, but I thought we were friends. The entire thing just saddens & sickens me. I know I'm too senstive as it is, but man, do I feel awful right now. I did not ask her to cross any boundaries... I want to say to her "my god, you are a freaking adult, stop making everything about you!" And I'm the selfish one for having an ED.

I enjoyed the note to your inner child. Thanks for posting that.

Chris said...

Im sorry to hear how your friend responded to you. I hope in the future that you can both find peace and perhaps see each other again, if and when that time comes.

Georgia (AKA g-bug) said...

Sandy, I know we already talked about this over brunch, but it was nice to see how you put it in writing, too. I hope that writing it out helped you put it behind you, because you've done what you needed to. The ball is in her court. All I can say is, it is too bad that she is not willing to take a new look at the new Sandy and all the wonderful things that have happened in you! Maybe some day she can. I hope so.

Jekisa Jean said...

undoubtedly this apology you have shared,
is opening the door for many other women to allow themselves to be forgiven for the same self-inflicted wounds.

ALSO, posting something as personal as this, and having a blog that documents your struggles, victories, fears, inner thoughts, is an extremely SELFLESS thing. it is coming alongside people and letting them know they are not alone!

sandy said...

WOW, thank you all for your love and support.
It is a tender subject, the loss of friendships due to my eating disorder. It has taken many things from me, but this one is hardest to bare.
As I've found peace and love for myself...I want to share "myself" with others. It just so happens there aren't many to share my moments with! But, the ones who have endured the past and the new friendships forming in health are oh so wonderful and I surely wouldn't change a thing.