Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Tyranny of Size

I feel horrified by the expansion of my flesh, ashamed that it matters to me so much and pissed that I don't feel comfortable in my own body. Most days I'm OK with the weight I've gained because with it has come clarity and peace of mind. Today, not so much! But, I know that I'm smarter than Ed and all the games he plays. Daily, I live under siege from the inner critic, the judge and the "pusher". Now, I plan on studying these selves of my personality and giving them new jobs.

I think the problem is, this morning I weighed myself before work. I try not to do this anymore as it usually upsets me. I tend to base my self-worth on the number and it messes everything up. Tomorrow I'll put my best foot forward and step away from the scale. NEVER use a scale! If your clothes keep fitting, you weigh the same.

Somehow we connect our various sizes to our self-worth. We have mental images of ideal sizes - even if it's not in our heritage to be that way. We compliment weight loss, monitor our appetites and shrink ourselves to fit some kind of standard. I wish we could all the the size we actually are. One size does not fit all - because there are as many sizes as there are women. Let's look closer at the size of our hearts, the width of our souls and the lengths of our spirits.


Georgia (AKA g-bug) said...

wow, Sandy. the last paragraph is very poignant and well-written. how true!

sandy said...

Thanks, most days are good ones - and I don't think about weight (too much). Then there are the days like yesterday (getting closer to that time) and I feel huge. We all feel that way around that time of the mo.

I wish how we felt about our selves wasn't based on weight and that it was determined by what is in our hearts instead. Unfortunately I'm not the one to change how the world thinks when I struggle to change my own. Love ya!

Chris said...

I have a horrible time with this, as anyone who knows me can tell you. I'm never at the right weight or fitness level, and I put my life on hold because of it. A lot of this unhealthy weight comes from eating when stressed, and I stress because of how I look (among other things). It's a vicious cycle.

Stay strong and ignore that scale. I have lots of issues with food not agreeing with me, and I think that affects me way more than any actual weight gain!

Cori said...

You are so much more than a number and a scale is just an appliance. Imagine if you woke up this morning and said "My self worth is determined by the toaster."

Coach Laura said...

"Let's look closer at the size of our hearts, the width of our souls and the lengths of our spirits."

Sandy, this line is SO powerful! Really, it needs to find its way beyond this blog posting. It's beautiful and inspiring, as are YOU!

lucky said...

Hi Sandy, I found your blog through frozen oranges :) I just want to tell you I understand how the scale can ruin your day almost... but that when you over come it with positive thinking, it's just so rewarding :) It's hard some (most..) times, but like cori said, you're so much more than a number