Monday, August 11, 2008

Manic Monday's

During the worst days with my eating disorder I ate whatever I wanted. It didn't matter as I was just going to get rid of it anyway, one way or another. These days, my roommate is in charge of the meal plans and whatever he makes is what I eat. I don't have to stress out about it because he takes this difficult task on. This is much easier for me becuase if he goes through the effort of preparing it I know that it's ok to eat it. Well he works third shift and goes in early on Monday's and I have to fend for myself. At this point in my recovery I can do it (eat) for someone else, but it's very difficult to do it for myself on my own. So on these days I drive around aimlessly trying to figure out what I want and it's very overwhelming. I'm not at the point where I matter (when it comes to food decisions) and have a hard time deciding on what sounds good. Usually I ask people at work for suggestions and then I just have to pick it up. Today I forgot to ask and with a "racing mind" drove to every fast food joint in town . I'd park outside, freak out a bit and move on to the next. After about a half hour of this I called my mom and she helped me. I hated to to this as my family lives out of state and I don't want to worry them. They know I'm doing so much better so why let them know I struggle with this one thing. Yes, they know the details of my eating disorder, but have always been away from it. It seems like such a small thing to conquer, yet the hardest thing for me to get a hold of. So, now my mom knows of this struggle and maybe she can help me on these Manic Monday's. If you don't let people in to help, how can they - no matter how big or small they may seem.

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